I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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