No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize