look no pants
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sober January is a disaster.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize