I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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