i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
