Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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