I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
