I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
