You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
