Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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