clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
