That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
