well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
