At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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