if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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