Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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