Me too!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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