I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
