He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Randomize
