I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
