Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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