How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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