what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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