I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
