do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
