That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
