I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
