I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
