It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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