The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
only you would photoshop your dick
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
