I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
