this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
