So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
