So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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