Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
