Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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