Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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