I'm gonna have a badass scar
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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