I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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