she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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