i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
