Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
