Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize