apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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