Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
