I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
someone owes me an orgasm
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
