I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
