ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
