I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
