remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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