Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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