i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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