Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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