We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
