he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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