Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
