I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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